Inclusion

Life is difficult.

I probably sound in my posts as though I’m constantly complaining about how difficult (my) life is and then I always, (in the next breath) say how I have things better than most….

Look, what I write is as real as I can make it.

Life for a post-op “stealth” (I hate that word) transsexual IS difficult.

I write this blog primarily for myself, but also for others, specifically others who may want to know issues they may need to personally manage in their future, or alternatively, people helping and supporting others who may face similar issues in future.

It would help me to know that what I feel is common for people who have walked this path, and that things will be ok, that life will go on, and that I will get through these things. Maybe even some advice on how to handle certain issues and emotions would be nice, but I have looked very hard and if someone else out there has chronicled their experiences like this, I certainly cannot seem to find them anywhere.

So I’m left to wander through life often feeling alone and directionless.

My mom is down for a few weeks staying with me. This week we went out looking at wedding dresses for my wedding later this year.

I tried a few dresses on, she was good, honest with me about what she liked and thought looked good on me and what she didn’t like. There was one we both thought looked good, but I didn’t buy it, although I thought it looked nice, I didn’t absolutely LOVE it and it was pretty expensive. 

Driving home, we where talking and my mom informs me that she had a bit of a “moment” watching me try on dresses.

Now, for most moms, that moment would likely be one of happiness or maybe pride, but if you’re a transsexual, no.

My mom’s moment was one of sadness.

She didn’t look at me and see her beautiful daughter, she was instead reminded of what she “had”, what she “lost”. That she won’t get to see or achieve what she had planned on seeing in her life. That her life didn’t turnout as she’d planned, maybe “hoped” (I don’t know).

My life was a huge battle to get to where I am, and I’m not really even allowed to fully enjoy what I’ve battled for, because to be who I am and have the things I need or want from life, constantly seems to hurt people that I love.

Transsexualism really is a “no win” situation. No win EVER. You strive constantly to just be “normal” but no matter how normal your life is nor seems, or how normal you personally might feel, life never leaves you alone.

I’ve also been thinking lately how to gain inclusion socially.

I don’t have very many female friends, not good friends that you actually spend time with or socialize with go out for a drink with etc.

Now, I don’t really hide myself away, people know (of) me and I try to be friendly, and kind, but unless I’m out with J as a couple, I don’t really have anyone that I go out on my own with (except for maybe my 6 year old niece in-law).

I get along pretty well with my hairdresser but I’m business to her I guess….

So social inclusion is a hard thing to master or come by.

And that makes me wonder, am I intimidating as a person? do look I physically intimidating?

The women I know are nice enough when they’re around me, they speak as though it’s expected that I’m one of them (female, a girl) and that I should know life as they do, but then I feel like there’s things occasionally that I could be included in, and yet they choose not to include me.

I’m not hurt by this, I don’t want to force myself into any group or onto (in a metaphysical sense) any body, I hate even the idea that I might be somewhere where people don’t want me, but it’s natural for all of us, as humans, to seek social interaction and belonging, and I’m no different in nature.

I question wether although people never ever let on, do they (on a subconscious level) sense my situation and repel away from it and me?

In my gut, part of me feels they probably do, but even my own mother tells me she thinks most people don’t have any clue, it’s very hard for me to gauge and that makes it pretty much impossible to know if the problem is me, is how I look, or maybe something I’m doing, and (as a result) if there is something/anything I could do to change this part of my life for the better.

It makes me sad an anxious.

I’d like to feel like I’m good enough for people to want to have me around.

Now this post sounds pretty morbid and depressed, but it is nothing remarkable to a transsexual. This is (in many ways) just our life. if we could choose or could have (realistically) chosen for our situation to be different then we would have done in the blink of an eye, but we can’t, this life is simply what was bestowed upon us at birth.

It’s a no “win” situation, the only real choice you have is do you quit or do you keep going, living out your days the best you can.

This is the dress I'm pretty sure I would like 

this is the dress we both thought looked nice on me